Child for yourself
There are many reasons for this phenomenon. The most common is that it was not possible to meet someone who could become a good father to a child. It was not possible to get married, there was not one with whom I would like to share a roof over my head. Did not work out. No less common reason - postponing "for later". Two lovers, young and unsecured. The biggest thing you can afford is renting an apartment. But raising a child there is scary. And it passes year after year in anticipation of better conditions and more prosperity, and then the marriage itself often exhausts itself. But these reasons existed always and everywhere. In our century other reasons begin to appear. This is already an ideology of disillusioned women. It consists in the fact that marriage and family are obsolete and unnecessary things that a child can be perfectly grown without a father, that a man needs only in the regime of regular sexual contacts "for health", and for this it is absolutely not necessary to marry and live together. And human warmth, spiritual contact? And for this purpose there will be a child. And that's enough. Let it be one, but a real relative.
Let's see what kind of pitfalls are hidden in the child's strategy for himself.
If even married mothers are severely affectedGrowing up their children, what will happen to a woman who is completely focused on the child? When the child is small, it seems that it is still far away, but time flies quickly. And now she is alone, elderly, has long lost the habit of making plans with someone else besides her child, and she no longer needs a child. This sounds cruel, but it's a fact. The maturing child has his own interests, his needs, a period of natural youthful egoism. And even in the most prosperous and heartfelt children, the degree of attention to the mother is still significantly reduced. Most mothers break down and begin to demand attention to themselves, to climb into the life of the child, trying to subordinate his life to his.
Ilya, 42, married at the age of 39. He was a child, whom his mother gave birth to "for himself," not seriously considering from whom. He never knew his father. He could only marry and have children after the death of his mother, while she was still alive, she criticized every woman who approached Ilya. And he understood: either the mother or the wife. To abandon a sick mother he was not allowed conscience, and having a family would mean throwing a mother-she would not accept any woman in his life. After he buried her, he confessed: "No matter how it was ashamed, I was relieved after her death. Now I can live normally. "
In such cases, the mother's assertion that she"Lived for a son" at least hypocritical. And gave birth and she lived for herself - and only. And suddenly her toy began to claim rights for its own life? The mother is offended by the "ingratitude" of her son. Forgetting what made a person. Who has the right to live as she wants.
Sometimes the chain continues: the son remains single, possibly giving someone a "biomaterial" for conception. Daughter - also gives birth to a child "for themselves", because at least to the grandson the mother is not jealous.
It also happens that the children rebel and the matter endsBreak. This also does not bode well. The insults of mother and child against each other can cause a lot of latent processes in the subconscious and greatly spoil the child's life. This is a hidden sense of guilt before the mother, and the desire at the subconscious level to "prove" the mother's independence - whatever it is, the child continues to live "in the shadow" of the mother, suppressed by her way.
But while the child only grows, enoughComplexities. In the preschool and early school age the child is not able to fully understand why his family is not the same as the others. All the same there were, there are and will be families with two parents. And the child will inevitably compare. Alas, not in favor of his family. The archetype of the family, which was laid down in us for millennia, is not so easy to kill with new-fangled concepts. In the best case, it should take many centuries. And the child is stronger than most adults, these universal archetypes come up - his consciousness has not yet been "processed" by the society. Therefore, in secret, he will build up a hidden sense of defectiveness.
The second point - this is the easiest wayGrow an egoist and a neurotic. The child gets used to the fact that the mother does not share her attention - it all belongs to him. And besides his will, he has the same attitude to the world: the whole world should be concerned only with them, with his problems and needs. If there is a character - these children get used to keep the state of things by force. And we call them tyrants and tyrants. If the person is weak - disappointment can be very bitter, and insult to the world - very large. And as a consequence - diseases, failures, depression.
Someone will want to argue: not all children who grew up in single-parent families are flawed! Yes, not all. Only those whose mother did not love anybody, are hurt only by the child.
In my practice there is a reverse example: The woman was married and very fond of her husband, but could not conceive from him - her husband had problems. They decided on artificial insemination with donor sperm. My husband was with me all the time. The child was conceived and born in love. And everything is good for them, and the child is no different from the naturally conceived children.
It's scary not that there is no father. He could abandon his mother, die, his mother could leave, they could disperse amicably-not the essence. It is important that the original installation of the family took place, and it was in this aura of love, relationship, was conceived and born a child. It's terrible when another mother already at the conception level appropriates someone else's property into the property. After all, children, while still in the womb, perfectly feel everything that happens to their parents.
Disappointment in the family, men, love - a thing,Which men also contributed a lot. But how to grow full-fledged men and full-fledged women, closing their hearts for sincere feelings, fearing them and trying to get around?
There is only one way out: to strive, to strive, to seek and find something genuine, to believe and hope, to work on oneself. This applies to all - both men and women.
In my opinion, it is worth pondering: But do we really need to strive for the birth of a child, if there is no one next to a woman who would have become a support at least at first? Many people say that if a woman does not take place as a mother, her life is wasted. But will it take place as a full-fledged mother, appropriating someone else's life to protect themselves from their grievances and disappointments?