Complexes in children - we fix together
Unknowingly inspiring the child with a sense of guilt,The parents use such expressions in everyday life: "I do not need such a bad boy (girl)", "I'm doing everything for you, and you ...", "My eyes have not looked at you," "Because of you, some problems, "How tired you are of me" and so on.
It is assumed that the child, hearing these reproaches,Will feel guilty for not justifying parental expectations or doing something wrong and he will have a desire to improve, become a "good boy" or a girl. It would seem, what's wrong with that? The bad news is that in this way a very strict "do not live" directive is implemented.
The child begins to perceive himself as a hindrance inThe life of parents, as their eternal debtor, because they gave him life, care and care. And as a debtor he is forced to "pay the bills", becoming what his parents want him to be. Needless to say, such debts as a "gift of life" can not be paid, and play on this unsolvable for the child situation can be endless.
A "small" fraud
Before using this technique, think:
This is a kind of psychological deception. Thus, you shift responsibility for your own problems to children's shoulders. You seem to say to him: "You came into the world, and I immediately had so many difficulties." And from here "I'm bored with you, I do not need you, I'm tired of you, I did not know that you are so bad, etc.".
But after all the child in the decision of a question on the birth did not accept any participation. To get a posterity - it was entirely your choice and the responsibility for this step lies entirely with you.
So do not wait for the thanks for that burden,Which you have yourself taken on and be grateful for your child's fate, and not for the ideally hypothetical image that has taken shape in your imagination.
Another danger of this attitude is that the child, due to the immaturity of consciousness, can come to the conclusion that it would be better if it were not at all.
Then my mother would have time to watch TV, read a book, relax properly. The only solution in this situation is suicide, but it is impossible for the baby.
Therefore, he begins to implement the programSelf-destruction by frequent illnesses, traumas, and after growing up - by such ways of self-destruction as drug addiction or alcoholism. After all, a child perceives the value of his life insofar as it is a source of joy and happiness for others.
And, finally, such an installation can closeA little person all the ways for self-realization. He tries to return the "debt" to his parents, in all respects to their desires and demands. But the views of parents about children's abilities and opportunities may not correspond to real facts at all.
Karl Gustov Jung once wrote: "Children are oriented to achieve exactly what their parents did not achieve, they are being forced by ambitions that parents could not realize. Such methods generate pedagogical monsters. "
And the child, taking the choice of parents, isSubsequently in a deadlock situation. All my life looking back at my mother and father, he has not achieved anything in life and, after all, from his parents he gets a reproach for the inability to solve his problems and to answer for his life and the lives of his loved ones.
To spite all
The origin of complexes. Very often, children who sense feelings of guilt about the very fact of their existence towards the parents, run to freedom, fall into extremes. According to observations of children's psychologists, 90% of difficult teenagers are unmarried children, experiencing a subconscious sense of guilt towards their parents.
And only in a few cases it is possible to speak about the congenital pathology of the psyche. Demonstrating to others provocative hooligan behavior, they subconsciously seek to run into "punishment".
It is common knowledge that punishment reduces feelings of guiltAnd such children try to remove the inner unconscious tension, subconsciously choosing the moments when one can feel guilty for something concrete, understandable and definite.
Broke the window - you are guilty - you were scolded,Punished. All clear. You were born - the parents are tired (they invested a lot of energy, money, etc.) - you are to blame. This metamorphosis is not always on the shoulder and adults, the child's psyche with this and it is completely impossible to understand.
The sad consequences
A vivid example of a complex of guilt that destroys life,- The story of Hollywood actress Jennifer Aniston. Constant failure in her personal life turned her from "famous" to "notorious." Just because she does not like to talk about her childhood, you can pay attention to her relationship with her mother.
Her parents divorced when she was 9 years old -Father married another woman, mother was left alone. Not having experienced success in either professional field or on the "personal front", the woman did not allow her daughter to watch TV because ... "I understand, this sounds silly - because my father was playing at that time in the series" Days of Our Life ". - Aniston was telling. "You will not believe, I was not allowed to go to the movies until I was twelve."
Most likely, in the eyes of the mother, the girl was the cause of the setbacks and an annoying reminder of her ex-husband: the mother considered the girl terribly ugly and always laughed out loud about it.
Even the deafening success of Jennifer in the series"Friends", who made her the idol of many girls, did not bring self-confidence. "I have a strange relationship, even with a home mirror - lovingly-hateful. Some days I like myself more than others. "
Long 12 years the actress did not communicate and did not even talk on the phone with her mother - apparently in this way she tried to forget everything that was inspired her in childhood.
The "do not live" directive in the mind is realized by twoWays. In one case, the child gets the installation "do not live your life, but live my life". In the other, "your life is in my way." In the first variant, being an adult, a person begins to consider himself worthless, incapable of anything. He has to constantly prove that he is worth something, something means that he is worthy of love and respect.
Having not found sufficient "evidence" of its ownImportance, not having received love and recognition, goes into deep depression, seeks consolation in alcohol, drug addiction, solves the problem of suicide. The same scenario also accompanies children confident that they have interfered with their parents all their lives, bringing them cares and difficulties.
So be careful with expressions,Dear Parents. And remember, the main evil for a child is the lack of genuine warmth and affection. Let's learn to love our children simply because they are our children!