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Children's Envy

We can tell the baby as much as we like, thatEnvy is not good. But the very need for such conversations with her own child testifies - the problem exists, the kid envies. However, in this fact there is nothing wrong - envy is one of the rare qualities that is equally capable of spoiling life, and vice versa, becoming a powerful stimulus to self-improvement. The main thing - Learn to control it.


Children suffer from envy at leastAdults. And it does not matter that initially it does not play the role of an all-consuming black force, that its manifestations are called the amusing word "zadvidki". Over time, they can grow to incredible proportions and poison childhood, adolescence, adolescence ... Fortunately, this is not always the case, because envy is one of the rare qualities that equally can ruin life, and vice versa, become A powerful stimulus to self-improvement.



Parenting feelings.


According to psychologists, Envy - unnatural for humans, Since it is not biologically based. It would seem that a mixture of aggression and sadness, in response to the inability to get what the other has, is born by itself, but it is not. The mechanism of comparison, analysis, anger at others, discontent with oneself is launched in early childhood, and parents play an important role in this. It is clear that this happens unnoticed, of course, contrary to talk about the inadmissibility of envy. If she already managed to take root in the mind of the baby - it's for a long time. Over time, only the list of objects will change, the response mechanism will remain approximately the same. To toys and felt-tip pens will be added clothes, "fancy" technique. Then the social situation of the parents of friends, their happy joint existence. During the transition period, life will poison the appearance of peers, the "number and quality" of their girlfriends (for boys) and fans (for girls) ... All this will happen - of course, if the parents do not want to "correct" the mistakes.

The fact that envy is taught is especially evident inExample of a baby. If the karapuzu likes a toy, he will just come up and take it. This is the natural primary aspiration of the child, and, of course, he does not count on the misunderstanding of others. But very rarely everything goes smoothly. Usually the "legal owner" protests, it is supported by adults. And often enough the child is not simply denied, but while not distracting attention to anything else, do not offer an adequate substitute. It is very bad when the mother annoyed with her insistent demand reinforces her statement that this thing is really very significant and necessary, but you, the baby, do not deserve it (it is clear that expressions can use a variety of things, most importantly, the meaning). Thus, it seems to strengthen the emotion. In the language of professionals, this is called "anchoring". It is not hard to guess that the child after such educational conversations makes quite a logical conclusion: "I'm not good enough (I'm not all right)".

Very painful are the comparisons withPeers - of course, not in favor of his own baby. "Look, look, what kind of girl is obedient, and you ..."; "Petya is much smarter than you"; "Here is Vasya's beautiful picture" ... Well, and so on. These innocuous phrases are quickly taught to live with an eye for others, jealously compare themselves with them, join in an improvised competition - and, to a greater extent, one-sided, as others often do not know what "demons" overcome envious. And one more very important point - in this way the mother again and again makes it clear to the baby that he is not too fond of her.

In addition, excellent "yeast" for the emergenceEnvy - conversations of adults, when "bones are washed" by friends - their position is compared with their own, and it does not matter whether the head of the family claims in style: "But his wife NN has long been ...", or the model " Burned, it's a trifle, it's nice. " Gloating and envy are two sides of the same coin, And if we do not always understand this, children likeRegularities are read instantly. Of course, all this should lie on the prepared soil - the emergence of envy is greatly facilitated by the individual characteristics of the child.


Portrait of an Envious Man.


If you set out to draw a collective psychological portrait of a small envious person, it will be A man with an understated (or overestimated) self-esteem and a general emotional dissatisfaction - both are due to lack ofParental attention, care, love. When a kid lives in harmony with the world - and this is possible only if his parents love him, he will not become jealous of what he himself is "deprived of." It will not be difficult for him to switch - since objectively, without a desired object, it is perfectly possible to exist. And if you can not cope with yourself, it means - it's not a specific thing at all, it's uncomfortable by and large.

Of course, the child can not analyze what it is to him Not enough and ask parents for love. "Catching" toys consciousness on one sideJust escapes from a morbid feeling of lack of love, and on the other - the installation is being implemented: if I had this toy, I would be happier. After all, not infrequently Material becomes a symbol of love and life without fear even in adults, And there is nothing surprising that children, without understanding it, try to challenge the wisest folk saying "Not in money is happiness."

In addition, in children with low self-esteemThere is a great need for self-assertion - for anyone's account, and splashing out the accumulated negative on the possessor of the desired becomes an appropriate way out. However, envy can manifest itself in different ways. Someone quietly suffers from a lack of "necessary" for complete happiness, someone rolls violent hysterics to parents, demanding what they want. If you really want to immediately equalize yourself and "lucky" in rights, the coveted toy can be spoiled or hidden from the owner. A more sophisticated manifestation is not to communicate with someone who is jealous, touching him with a lack of attention - and you can do it alone, or you can slander your friends.

Acting in this way, the child for some time achieves the desired, he, indeed, There is an illusion of self-esteem and own strength, But it only helps for a little while. And then a new replenishment is required for the gnawing "worm". In the end, he can quite subordinate the entire existence of the owner, influencing the formation of a life scenario. So there may be a lot of not very nice characters: "unfairly disadvantaged" - the one who was underestimated, did not pay tribute to his outstanding abilities. "Severe judge," with pleasure giving those around him peremptory characteristics - mostly unflattering. "Lord God" - the decisive, just or unjust to anyone came trouble ... Well, and as an apotheosis - of course, "Salieri", without a twinge of conscience "removed" from his path of solar Mozart. In a word, there are many unpleasant variants of the development of events.

And if you understand that the child has not yet become"Envious despicable" in full, but this is a very real prospect, you need to take action. It is known that envy is traditionally "colored" in two colors - black and white. This is not entirely true, but more on this later. One thing is certain - this feeling is amenable to correction, and how it affects the child's life depends, again, only on the further behavior of the parents in an unpleasant situation.


"Black at the bottom of my soul" ...


Stop living my life by dedicating itExclusively thoughts of foreign, often exaggerated successes and ups; Constantly chew and reproach themselves for their shortcomings, or, on the contrary, blame the whole world for injustice - all this is the lot of the "black" envious person. It is clear that with such installations it is very difficult to be realized in full measure, Create a happy family and bring up full-fledged children. Fortunately, not to admit the "blackening" of children's consciousness is not so difficult, it is enough not to allow some mistakes.

First of all, of course, Do not constantly compare your child's achievements with peer achievements. The Japanese have a feeling of envy for someoneIs distributed rather insignificantly. And most likely, a significant role in this played the peculiarities of the educational methodology of the countries of the Rising Sun. Here it is customary to compare a baby only with himself, and pay attention to what is happening, How much he was able to achieve in comparison with some past period of his life. This approach does not give rise to feelings of envy,In contrast to when successes of one person are put almost in reproach to another. Walking on the road, not trying on clothes from someone else's shoulder, it is much easier for a child to get rid of an unpleasant feeling.

Besides, Do not strictly control the child, And allow him at his discretionDispose of at least some "property". It is clear that it is unlikely that my mother will be pleased to learn about the exchange of expensive toys for a set of stickers, but expressing the child's claims and "canceling the deal" to him is very clearly given - you with all your experiences, our complete property. It turns out that toys that seem to be given to him, in fact belong to parents, and the baby has nothing that he really owned and could dispose of without looking at the elders. And since children are objectively subordinated to adults, there is no need to emphasize this fact once again.

However, it is also erroneous to imagine that envy automatically goes away if the baby is provided with everything that can be provided on demand. This path is most similar to "Buy-out", when behind the generosity of parents is not love, but unwillingness to seriously listen to the child and understand his problems. To no avail, such an approach, of course,Does not lead - a perfect illustration of the movie "Toy" with Pierre Richard. This situation has a direct relation to envy - after all, we repeat, it initially arises from lack of attention and love. So guessing can only reveal the root of the problem faster, but not solve it. Thus it is not necessary to fall into the other extreme, accustoming the child to perceive life as a stock of restrictions: it is impossible, it is dangerous; Then it's too early; But it's just not get, and do not bother me, I have a bad mood.


"The Taming of the Shrew"


How to teach Child to direct envy for the good of himself and, therefore, others? Of course, above all, it is necessary Correct the relationship in the family and try to give the child more warmth and attention. Well, and then follow as you ariseProblems. If you need something tangible, and parents see that for a kid this is not an empty whim, but really important, why not buy it? We still still endlessly visit all the "children's worlds", and there are plenty of reasons. However, this is not the only way out. You can, for example, calmly explain that buying is not possible, leading weighty arguments - only without humiliating the baby. Or - if you really exchange a coveted object - teach him to do it. And if, for example, bad emotions are caused by a colored cardboard lock made by a friend, why not combine efforts and create something equally impressive?

And here Envy to the non-material - to someone's success, appearance often becomes an incentive for serious work on oneself - and the kids too. In addition, such feelings often becomeAn excellent reason for finding the quickest solution to a particular problem, in any case, it is very clearly indicated what should be paid attention to - it is clear that they envy only a significant thing, which obviously does not suffice. And, solving an urgent problem, one can teach not only to achieve one's own, Go to the goal, but also without doing something, get rid of illusions, and despite everything rejoice at the success of the neighbor. Just do not resort to sedative"But": you, of course, did not win, but you read poetry well. This attitude, repeated all the time, often contributes to the fact that the child becomes passive, unable to achieve his little man. It is better to use another formula - "Despite this"Yes, this time it was not possible, but despite this you are still talented, clever, you will definitely win the next time.



There are many options for solutions, and which oneWill save for the child is easiest to solve the parents. One thing is certain - do not pretend that the problem does not exist, comforting your beloved child with the usual phrase "there is nothing to envy" -because if there are evidences, one must cope with them, and join forces.


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